04/01/2016

In today’s fake news

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This April Fool’s Day, we’re taking the north kids vs. south kids battle to an alternate universe.


As often as the north and south kids pass through the tollgate, they don’t seem to be aware of what’s happening on the opposite side of their respective worlds. (And it does feel like two different worlds.) But a few minutes into your first encounter with the other side, you are either interested or weirded out by their culture. You immediately take back what you said: surely, they live in an alternate universe, right?

So we imagined a world unlike our own. We pictured the opposite sides of Metro Manila as polar opposites in every sense of the word. Think: Welcome to Night Vale but with outrageous millennials and very Filipino ideals. The following stories are inspired by actual events. They’re not 100 percent true, but we’ll never know. Maybe in the future, the south’s Beach Bum Virus might just spread to the north.

 

1. Young adults in pursuit of independence make a momentous climb to sacred Mt. McDo.

Situated atop a hill along Alabang-Zapote road, this McDonald’s branch has been known as a sacred pilgrimage site during a teen’s coming-of-age years. Usually the drop-off and pick-up place for carpools to school, sports tournaments and out-of-town trips with friends, Mt. McDo attracts young adults hoping to undergo rites of passage to independence. Successful climbers attest to the thrill that comes from finally breaking away from their yayas, drivers and enthusiastic soccer moms even just for a day. They say it has done wonders for their self-confidence and there are claims of healed emotional scars from FOMO and being bullied as an overly protected teen. Moving testimonials of previous visitors often includes a renewed faith in oneself and a deepened understanding of one’s capabilities.

2. The newly improved Skyway guarantees a faster and calmer travel experience.

Morning travel sucks more when you live on the other side of the metro. Before you even start your journey through EDSA, the service road is already testing your limits. That’s wasted time, money and patience. But worry no more. Introducing the newly improved Skyway: the portal to and from civilization. For as little as P165, save yourself from the woes of daily travel. Enjoy a 20-minute travel time from Alabang to your preferred Makati exit. That’s five times faster than the service road route! This portal guarantees fast payment transactions and safety care of patrols available 24/7. Skyway gets you to meetings and back for your yoga practice on time. It spares you an extra hour in bed in the morning and lets you ditch instant coffee for a good brew. Skyway is so convenient you can get home for dinner even before the chicken gets cooked. Now, that’s amazing! Travel faster, travel calmer. Travel with Skyway.

North kids hate the traffic.

 

3. Beach Bum virus (BBV) outbreak causes south to declare a state of emergency.

The Beach Bum virus (BBV) is commonly known as “Seapanx.” It causes a mental disorder that impacts a person’s mood, thinking and behavior on an extreme basis. It is best described as the severe longing for the sea. Most cases have been linked to proximity to coastlines and distance away from the city. Health authorities already note multiple cases and recognize the potential for the virus to spread even more rapidly in the coming weeks of summer. The public is cautioned against its continuing risk to the skin and one’s finances. Symptoms include constant lurking online for bikini shops, photogenic geo-tags and flight seat sales. Authorities strongly advise the public to stay in a fully air-conditioned room on Netflix, chilling, or going on a trip to a cold-weather country. If symptoms persist, call the nearest tita with a beach house in Tali.

 

4. College student is facing copyright infringement charge for the word “scoobs.”

Teenage slang is a language that is always evolving. It’s fun to use and participate in until grownups take out the fun in it.

A few months ago, a student posted a public conversation in Ateneo Secret Files about their math exam. “Scoobs bro, sobrang alats,” one of the students in the conversation replied. “Scoobs” is a term derived from Scooby Doo, the Great Dane from the cartoon series of the late ‘60s to early ‘90s. The term evolved from a Great Dane to a great “dein,” which is also slang for “no” or “lame.”

It was all fun and games until Scooby Doo’s creators showed their dismay on Twitter. “To whoever it is who coined the term ‘scoobs,’ we need to talk,” the verified account tweeted. The college student in question might have thought they were meeting for a brand, deal but it turned out to be a lawsuit. In a presscon called by the student, he said “I had no idea that it would come to this. I was just having fun with my friends. It’s not like I’m claiming the character, JFC.”

The battle is not yet over between the opposing sides but our bets are on the college student. Who do you think will win the battle? Check out our poll in our website: http://northchronicler.ninja.

 

South kids tend to suffer from BBV (Beach Bum Virus).

 

5. Founder of The Diliman Files finally comes clean.

It seems like Gossip Girl doesn’t only ruin lives in the Upper East Side. Peeps in the North, especially students of UP Diliman, also feel the controversy surrounding The Diliman Files (TDF). Known for its inspirational, outrageous and unbelievable stories, TDF is a good source of entertainment for UP students and casual Facebook readers alike. The highlight: people can share their escapades without the risk of getting expelled. After all, that 1.00 GPA doesn’t come easy when mere surviving is a challenge at university.

Last Tuesday night, an anonymous student submitted a story about sneaking into classes at Palma Hall every week. “UP is my dream school and I still cannot get over the fact that I got rejected. I got turned down by my one true love,” the anon wrote. The post gained a lot of comments of sympathy from the student body and some even attempted to look for the said student. But not everyone was happy. Ms. Santos, a teaching admin in UP Diliman, expressed her disappointment with the school’s system. “No one should be allowed to go in and out of class without proper enrollment. This is an institution, not a coffee shop,” she says in her Snapchat account.

As the Internet speculated over The Diliman Files, the founder finally reached out to us to give the full story. “I was the one who posted that anonymous message. UP is my dream school and I did everything I could to get in. I want to be part of the beautiful culture of the university. But here we are,” says the founder who remained anonymous during the entire Skype call.

While the culprit is still anonymous, we ask you this: can they kick out someone who’s not even enrolled? Will he be given a chance to prove to the school that he really deserves to be on campus? And does his contribution to the community excuse him from illegally attending class? Follow us on Twitter for live updates.

 

6. North kid has finally had it; migrates to the south.

Becky, 21, has known Quezon City as her only home all her life. Traffic had never been her enemy until recently when she finally got her driver’s license after taking the test two consecutive times. Maybe it’s the novelty of being on the road or just the usual hassle of traveling from QC to Makati for three hours, but she says she’s had it. “I don’t think it’s normal for any self-respecting human being to be stuck in traffic for more than an hour. That’s just unacceptable. If the government can’t do something about it, then I’ll do something to change my fate,” Becky says.

She also claims to have special powers for determining whether someone is from the north or from the south. “My ability is getting stronger every day. I can see how much of a person is northern or southern, but I can’t detect it within my own personality.” Her powers may be rare and special but what’s the use of it if you can’t use it on yourself? An insider told us that she’s going to move because she has the power to. After all, she never belonged in the north. Maybe her heart was down under all along.

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