05/22/2015

Thirst-mometer

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Thirst (n.) as defined by your betters (and lessers) is the shameless and unapologetic eagerness to get someone or something. It’s both desire and attraction, a covetous want or a craving for attention. Be it male or female, elder or younger, guys4guys, woman on woman, bronies for unicorns — thirst is the currency of the desperate and obsessed.

Trust us, there is no such as thing as an innocuous poke on Facebook, unless it’s from one of your relatives (then ew.) You don’t randomly go on an Instagram “Like” rampage without a specific goal in mind (see the words “pants” and “getting into.”). On Twitter “favorites” and Tumblr reblogs, the thirst has never been more real.

At the end of any given day, 11/10, be wary of where you put a heart emoji. How can you tell when somebody has it really, really bad? Young STAR navigates the eight stages of modern-day dehydration.

 

 Quenched

girl-1You’re the epitome of “cool, calm and collected.” It’s either you’re preoccupied (read: not single) or you’re feeling hella cute and basically DGAF about everybody else. You are currently at zero risk of attention dehydration.

Symptoms include: a copious amount of seen-zoning on all social media fronts. Why? Because you can.

 

 

Dry

boy-1

A curious case of dry cotton mouth this is not. Your message to the world? Take it or leave it, but I’d much rather you take it.

Symptoms include: a telling Instagram hashtag search on your iPhone may or may not include #EggplantFriday, #FreeTheNipple and #ThirstyThursday.

 

 

 

Parched

girl-2A level slightly above your average thirst levels, being parched is a one-way ticket to THOT-town or “That Hoe Over There” in the vernacular.

Symptoms include: an overwhelming desire to work out and your selfie-per-hour ratio races from zero to sixty. #FlexFriday #HumpdayTuesday

 

 

 

2 On

boy-2

When internal temperatures are starting to rise and you haven’t had a salt suck in a really, really long time, your instincts tell you to get turnt.

Symptoms include: coining new words to describe the breadth of your thirsty feelings.

 

 

 

#DroughtShamed

girl-3Usually induced by a prolonged period of excessive heat (cough) #DroughtShaming may or may not describe your relationship status. This is the peer pressure equivalent of thirst-age.

Symptoms include: posting an innocuous, double entendre-filled Twitter status like “Anybody want to Slytherin my bed?” then furiously checking your DMs. Not cute.

 

El Niño

boy-3School’s out, rules out, and at this point, you’re just choking for any tall (or short) glass of water.

Symptoms include: Hitting up all manner of dating (read: hookup) apps.

 

 

 

 

Seeing Snow on the Sahara

girl-4Delirium sets in and heat-induced visions start to cloud your judgment.

Symptoms include: as per the gospel according to Katy Perry, going home with a 10 and waking up with a 2.

 

 

 

 

Hyperthermia: Call The Doctor

boy-4The AMBER alert equivalent of thirstiness. This is not a drill. Electrolytes will not save you.

Symptoms include: a more-than-usual predisposition to foaming at the mouth and bold displays of (unrequited) affection.

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