Halloween is the perfect time for us to consider the things that truly frighten us. For some people, it’s zombies with a vengeance or ghosts hiding under your bed. If you ask me, those are okay. Funny, almost. What scares me is the thought of getting a period stain in a white dress or waking up to five missed calls from a guy listed in my phone as “Can’t Remember Name.” It’s 2015 and our fears, the things that keep us up at night, have changed. From group chat nightmares to lonely Insta posts, here are seven of the scariest situations you could get yourself into, and how to deal with it like a boss.
Fear level: 1/5
The scenario: Walk into da club like what up, you’re wearing the dress you saved up on through months of siomai and instant ramen. In the GrabCar en route to Tipsy Pig, you ready yourself for compliments galore, when in walks the school queen bee… wearing the exact same thing. And she’s not even wearing Spanx underneath, that b*tch.
The response: In a game of Who Wore It Better, your challenger will likely emerge victorious. But you’re mostly okay, because this is a case of Mutually Assured Destruction: she can’t say crap about what you look like, ‘cause that’s a point against her too. So pat yourself on the back for having the same taste as the coolest girl in school, and just pretend to get drunk like she does.
Fear level: 1.5/5
The scenario: On a piso fare trip to Osaka, you find yourself walking around Dotonbori in search of takoyaki, when you’re greeted by a pretty sunset scene by Osaka River. So cute! So Instagrammable. So up it goes on your feed after picking between HB1 and A6 on VSCO. Two hours later, you get five likes on Instagram. Oh! Make that six. Your BFF just gave you a pity like.
The response: Thankfully, Instagram is currently on the outs, so not a lot of people will be around to witness this minor shame spiral. Dust yourself off and try again. There’s a kitschy cat cafe out there, waiting to be turned into a square-framed masterpiece.
Fear level: 2.5/5
The scenario: One of your friends initiates a topic (e.g. trash-talking a frenemy) and everyone pitches in with their own witty zingers. When you finally throw in your own carefully composed joke, the line goes dead. Hello from the other side, says Adele. And you can’t help but sing along.
The response: Getting the cold shoulder — albeit virtually — is the stuff of a Gretchen Wieners nightmare. It can strike paranoia even in the bravest of souls. Did I do something wrong? Did they make an entirely new group without me? Most likely, though, it’s nothing more than an honest mistake. So maybe you’re fine. Right? Right?
Fear level: 3/5
The scenario: It’s a chill night at your friend’s house, so you don’t bother looking extra cute. The drinks are free-flowing and the jokes get ruder by the hour. When you pose for photos, you stick your tongue out without a care in the world. That is until the next day, when a girl friend tags you in an album under the title: “Love these girls!!!!!”
The response: Why do friends do this? It’s so rude. Best to employ the powers of Timeline Review on Facebook in situations like this. If the offending photo is up on Instagram or Twitter, three words will do: Delete. This. Now.
Fear level: 3.5
The scenario: As a bid to hang out with your GFWBFs (girl friends with boyfriends), you organize a nice little dinner with a movie afterwards. When you get to the restaurant, you’re shocked to find that your party has grown a little bigger: they’ve all brought their boyfriends with them. Yay!
The response: Not cool, GFWBFs. Every girl knows that a girls night out is sacred above all things. If the plans are spontaneous, then bring boyfies would be okay. Otherwise, let your friends know that sometimes, you kinda wanna keep the sausage fest down to a minimum.
Fear level: 4/5
The scenario: You’re stuck in a three-hour class, dying to get home to watch the latest episode of Game of Thrones. While your professor goes on about the Higgs boson particle, you whip out your phone to pass the time. As you scroll through your news feed, a particularly impassioned status catches your eye. JON SNOW DID WHAT??? Years later, you still don’t know what the Higgs boson particle is, but the memory of that spoiler sticks with you forever.
The response: There’s a special place in hell for jerks who can’t keep spoilers under wraps. Unfriend that d-bag immediately; you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Fear level: 5/5
The scenario: He swipes right, you swipe right. After days of flirty chitchat, Mr. Tinder ghosts you with no explanation. You move on like a champ, but on a chance encounter at the mall, you bump into the guy while he’s out with his friends. And your upper lip is bright red after a trip to your waxing salon. And you’re wearing Crocs.
The response: Do you say hi? Do you ignore the jerk? Do you ship him off to the Taliban? So many options, so much shame in each one. NBD, just burn your house down and change your identity.