02/05/2016

In the bed all day

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Pillow talk is the post-coital ritual of tender talking and soft intimacy, kind of like the opposite of dirty talk. Partaking in it supposedly reinforces bonding between couples due to the oxytocin hormone or just some good ol’ honesty. If you’re at all familiar with the pop charts as of late, Pillowtalk is also the namesake of former One Direction member Zayn Malik’s (who is currently releasing music as a single-name entity, Zayn) new single, released last Friday to, frankly, unprecedented praise.

I know I said pillow talk is a post-coital activity, but I don’t actually want to bone Zayn (I know what that sounds like and it sounds like a lie, but it’s not). I do want the pillow talk, though. Maybe we can work something out and pop in a Marvel movie on Netflix and actually chill. Speculatively, here’s a list of what we’ll talk about (or this is probably what I’ll bring up, whether he likes it or not):

MINIONS

A few months ago, Zayn exposed himself as a Minion-lover, posting a selfie in a Minion sweater that he just probably thought was cute, unaware of the social stigma these horrible yellow creatures face. He tweeted shortly after: “Didn’t realize the hate for minions was this real, f**k these aliens got it bad.”

THE OTRAT UNDERCUT

Shortly before leaving One Direction in the middle of the “On the Road Again” tour, Zayn sported a beautiful, lush undercut. I know he’s having a moment with peroxide right now, but I just want to know when I’ll see that haircut again.

THE FREDDIE TOMMO

On Jan. 21, 2016, Freddie Reign Tomlinson was born to former band mate Louis and Briana Jungwirth. Shortly after Louis posted a photo of him and “his little lad,” Zayn favorited a tweet of the photo… posted by a fan. Claiming that they’re not currently on “friend terms,” Zayn probably doesn’t know much about the young lad, Freddie, but I still want to hear him talk about a cute baby.

PILLOWTALK

This should probably be higher up on the list, but I like being unpredictable. Pillowtalk shot up to the No. 1 spot on iTunes in at least 60 countries when it was released, and I just want to know what he feels like, as a former little boy from Bradford, currently smashing it.

“MIND OF MINE”

Zayn likely won’t divulge any information about his forthcoming album, “Mind of Mine.” But, since we’re already in the middle of a hypothetical situation where I’m talking to him in the midst of pillows and closeness, anything seems possible. I also want to know who hurt him so much that he green-lit a March 25, 2016 release.

THE HISTORY MUSIC VIDEO

Released just days before his solo debut, 1DHQ released the music video of one of their singles off the latest album “Made in the A.M.” Essentially five years’ worth of spliced clips of the boys — all five together, and some with just pairs — the music video for History was both a tender tribute to one band, one dream, One Direction, and an attack on the soul — specifically mine. I just want to know if he cried, and if so, during which parts.

FEAT. BIG PAYNO

According to a Fader interview, Zayn has spoken to Liam Payne, a.k.a. Big Payno, and they have talked about writing music together. I, for one, will gladly sacrifice my Tumblr account to suspension to leak that stuff, if he asked me to.

IF HE STILL CALLS MIAMI, “MALABAMI”

I just want to bring it up because it makes me laugh so much.

GENDER STUDIES

In an interview with Billboard, Zayn talked about the type of women he likes, and I feel like he probably needs a little lesson in gender studies, since he made some pretty stereotypical, somewhat problematic comments. So, he and I are going to have to have a little talk about that.

VERONICA

Then, obviously, I’m bringing up Veronica, his alter ego from the Best Song Ever music video.

RYAN REYNOLDS

How does it feel to have broken Ryan Reynolds’ heart after your team canceled your appearance on The Graham Norton Show, Zayn?

R&B, BAND SHIRTS, AND MORE

One, I want to know which bands featured on the shirts he’s worn so far has he actually listened to, and two, as an avid fan of R&B, if he misses Aaliyah as much as I do.

YASER

There can never be enough stories about Yaser Malik, Zayn’s elusive (to the media) father. I’ll take anything.

CAROLINE

Caroline Watson was One Direction’s stylist, and good friend of Zayn, making him the godfather of her daughter, Brooklyn. I just like her a lot and want to see how she’s doing.

WHEN HE DIDN’T LIKE SEEING A FISH STRUGGLE THAT ONE TIME

In This is Us, the sole cinematic masterpiece of our time, Zayn Javadd Malik squirmed in his seat while his bandmates gathered around a struggling fish in a net, earning him title of fish advocate. We, the Zquad, know the real you, Zayn. We know the real you.

WHEN HE IS GOING TO LET US GET SOME SLEEP

I don’t think I’ve slept properly since May 2015, and I’ve been blaming it on work, but I know the truth. These days, all I can think about is being in the bed all day, bed all day, bed all day.

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