One Direction came to Manila and it totally sucked, said no one ever.
Well, I’m gonna say it. Their Sunday concert at the Mall of Asia Concert Grounds was the worst day of my life. A nightmare wrapped in a Liam Payne-filled daydream. A dish full of Louis Tomlinson-shaped ampalaya. A packed LRT train full of irate Niall Horans, trying to shove each other into the Ayala station platform. Don’t even get me started on Harry Styles — the thought of him makes me want to take a Valium and sleep until I grow a beard.
You see, I have loved One Direction for many years now, and hearing that they were coming to Manila felt like a death knell of sorts. Is the apocalypse dawning on us soon? It seemed too good to be true. The five British guys (boys, really) who found fame through The X-Factor UK took over the world quite literally — from being nobodies to total superstars in four short years. There’s nothing new about what they had to offer (good-looking guys, moderately good singing voices, very tight pants) but everyone — including my hapless self — ate it up like a cupcake. One Direction fans like me devote time, money and effort just to show their love to these five guys who will probably never know their names. We lined up at the cinema to watch their documentary This is Us, and shamelessly rewatched it several times.
We claim to do these things because the band keeps it real, because they don’t have choreographed dance moves and they have gross-looking tattoos, but if we’re being perfectly honest, it’s just because they’re really, really cute.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. Their music is great, and the concert was wonderful. One Direction is just as magical in real life as they are in GIF form on a Tumblr dashboard. They were rowdy and playful, chugging down mineral water bottles then kicking them towards an adoring audience who were only too happy to get a bit of their DNA (for cloning purposes, obviously). They sang songs I knew, songs I didn’t, and made my heart flutter when they yelled out “I love you”s they didn’t mean (see also: my love life). I almost didn’t mind that Zayn Malik, who flew back to London to salvage his relationship with singer Perrie Edwards amid cheating rumors, didn’t make it. Maybe it hurt a little bit — kind of like getting stabbed in the gut with a paring knife — but who’s asking?
So yes, I am in a state of irreparable misery right now, as I’ve realized that life might never get better than this. I mean, it can try, but who are we kidding here? Academic achievements, work accomplishments, future marriage to someone who isn’t from One Direction… don’t even. A truck full of chicken nuggets can’t cheer me up at this point. I’ve tried to comfort myself with the famous Alfred Lord Tennyson quote: “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” But Tennyson has never seen Harry Styles’ thighs up close, has he? Idiot.
In an attempt to gather my feelings out of the crack house I call my heart, here’s a live blog of my One Direction concert experience, in an ascending order of shame. Indeed, love hurts. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
2:31 p.m. En route to ONE F*CKING DIRECTION!!!!!
4:25 p.m. “This is our last meal before our lives change forever,” says YS editorial assistant Maine. We are eating at Pepper Lunch. Calm down, Maine. It’s just One Direction. No big deal.
6:04 p.m. Walking to our section now, three hours early. I DON’T EVEN CARE, Y’ALL. I’M JUST CHILL.
6:18 p.m. I’m in my seat now. I’m okay. I’M OKAY.
6:19 p.m. I just realized that Harry Styles’ penis is in the Philippines. Be still, my heart.
7:16 p.m. It’s raining, oh my god. Walang paawat! Heto ako, basang basa sa ulan, Harry Styles!
7:30 p.m. You know what? Let me buy a raincoat.
7:45 p.m. Ugh, they only have a pink princess design left in a kid’s large. Telling myself that I look cute even if I can barely fit through the arms.
8:01 p.m. Opening act now! Time to go to the bathroom and check my hair.
8:34 p.m. The LED lights are on!!! SIRAAN NA NG BUHAY, FRIENDS.
8:35 p.m. They’re finally taking the plastic off all the equipment. SHET, ANO PA BA GUSTO MO, LORD? KUNIN MO NA ‘KO.
8:38 p.m. WHAT IF HARRY SEES ME??? BUTI NALANG AKO LANG MAGANDA SA SECTION NAMIN. JK, KATABI KO SI JULIA BARRETTO.
8:45 p.m. R U DYING? I’M DYING.
9:04 p.m. Oh my god they’re here they’re really here. WHERE IS ZAYN? SOMEBODY GET ZAYN!!!!
9:05 p.m. I don’t think I can keep on living anymore I mean what’s the point really goodbye
9:07 p.m. Maine asks me, “Are you okay? You’re not even screaming!!!” I am unable to respond.
9:08 p.m. Honestly I’m crying right now
9:09 p.m. OH MY GOD NIALL LOOKS LIKE A GUY I DATED, EXCEPT NOT AS HOT AND NOT IN ONE DIRECTION. OKAY MAYBE NOT AT ALL
9:10 p.m. HARRY: MANILA WE WANNA KISS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU
ME: AKO DAW AKO DAW
9:15 p.m. WHY ISN’T LIAM NAKED? Sometimes these guys can be so dumb.
9:26 p.m. I wonder what Zayn is doing right now. Being beautiful, I guess.
9:27 p.m. Are they leaving out space for Zayn? I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. I need to lie down for ten years.
9:33 p.m. “LITTLE THINGS” NA I’M SO FRAGILE RYE NOW
9:34 p.m. NIALL YOU BEAUTIFUL UNICORN HOW DARE YOU HAVE THAT FACE
9:45 p.m. Shet, wala na akong alam na kanta… here’s to hoping they take off their clothes.
9:46 p.m. OMG sobrang charismatic ni Harry like he could be the leader of a cult. Oh wait.
9:58 p.m. HARRY IS ON FULL MAN BUN, PEOPLE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. SEND HELP.
10:15 p.m. Does Niall finally have chest hair??? GOD IS REAL.
10:52 p.m. The concert is over. I think I’m gonna need an ambulance. WHAT’S THE NUMBER FOR 911
10:53 p.m. Still in a daze. Did this just happen? Am I still alive? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HOLD ME???
12:58 a.m. I have so many dirty things to say about Harry Styles but I think I’m gonna be a normal person and put it all in a fanfic instead.