01/06/2017

Gizmo gazing

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Just because the holidays are over doesn’t mean we have to let go of our wish lists. It probably included some pretty cool (and expensive) gadgets like the new PlayStation Virtual Reality headset and a Google Home. You probably don’t really need it (read: you don’t even own a house) and chances are, you didn’t get it for Christmas as well. But that’s okay. There’s gonna be a new version of it sooner than you think and you’ll be glad you saved up your wishes for what’s coming next.

Here are five imaginary tech updates that are so good that, hey, they might actually come true in 2017. We don’t know about you, but we’ll try to stay good this year because we know what we’re asking for next Christmas.

New headset allows social media to fully become the virtual reality it already is.

With Facebook recently acquiring Oculus VR — the leading developer of virtual reality technology — it won’t be long ’til social media hits the VR screen. Who needs expert game developers when we’ve got influencers who’ve mastered the art of creating virtual lives? From successfully capturing the best angles to manipulating the narrative of their day-to-day lives, we can expect more compelling content right before our eyes. This new platform will excite not just consumers but content creators as well. It comes with a virtual assistant that guides us into curating our social lives (read: finally knowing which stories should go up on either Instagram, Snapchat or Facebook Live.)

The new Samsung e-reader is gonna be lit AF. (Pun intended since, well, that’s the thing they’re good at these days.)

It’s basically a device that will automatically fact-check everything that appears on your screen. It will even provide supplementary readings via a sidebar and block sources that feed you non-cited information. It will also turn your reading list into a fun game by giving rewards, challenges and even more rewards. (Seriously, we’re all children that need constant validation.) But its best feature will be delivering a digest about the current events happening all over the world every day. It’s important literature for dummies because we all know how much we need to be woke.

The new iPhone upgrade gets more personal. The fingerprint sensor can read your aura too.

The fingerprint sensor has come a long way from just unlocking our iPhones. It won’t be a surprise if they’ll soon be able to read our auras since that’s practically the only thing our devices don’t know about us at this point. With a simple touch, the iPhone delivers everything from your daily horoscope to your mood meter straight to your phone screen. This upgrade even takes it up a notch by changing the color of your phone based on your current mood. If 2017 turns out to be half the roller coaster ride that 2016 was, then expect a wide range of colors. Finally, an iPhone upgrade that even tita Susan can be happy with.

Smart devices will be available as a choker.

In 2016 we’ve seen wearable technology become more customizable. But this year, expect a more universal look as smart devices become available as a choker. It’s the perfect everyday accessory that takes you from day to night and work to play. It carries the same features as the original devices, but much more compact. You don’t even need to worry about reading what’s on the screen. Its built-in virtual assistant can tell you anything from your heart rate to the number of likes on your recent OOTD. You also don’t need to worry about losing it because you’ll literally have to choke to death before it can be stolen from you. It’s chic, functional and theft-proof.

Apple pulls the plug on standard ports and on our productivity, too.

First they removed the headphone jack; and now, the USB port. Soon enough the charging port will be gone too. Apple is clearly setting the stage for a more wireless technology. But for the rest of us (who’re still too cheap to replace their six-year-old MacBook), it’s mostly counterproductive. It’s still too early to know what they’re really planning to do next and how this is going to affect our workflow. Who knows, they might actually be doing us all a favor. After all, what else is there to do if the whole world is being burned to death by people like Duterte anyway?

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