Seven essentials for your (possible) doomsday kit

Art by Diigii Daguna

In case you’re wondering: no, you’re not paranoid for stocking your basement with sandbags and a self-sustaining garden heated by desk lamps. Especially with today’s global turmoil, mushroom clouds and all in the horizon.

If the person next to you on the train suddenly turns into an irradiated, flesh-eating, half-dead shell of his or her former self, don’t worry: here are items for every contingency, particularly in a third-world setting. The walking dead doesn’t have to be you. Who knew shopping for the apocalypse could be so therapeutic?

 

Canned sardines

A handy ration to have in the opening stages of civilization’s collapse, while you cram-print Wikipedia articles on which plants are edible or poisonous.

 

A bolo

Since Katipunero times, your lolo’s rusty, trusty machete has been handy for cutting timber, digging latrines, or passing time carving (literal) tablet poetry and cave art. You’ll be using it to chronicle your survival and #OOTDs, now that we’re back in the Stone Age.

 

Rubber tires

With major roads congested by abandoned cars and crashed airplanes, water is your best bet for quick and safe transport. Island-size jellyfish repellent sold separately.

Art by Diigii Daguna

Yero

The true pillar of society, in peacetime and in end times. MMDA-proof then, nomad-friendly now, corrugated steel is perfect for bashing through a throng of mutants or building a survivor colony. Show some personality while tearing through that horde or establishing the foundations of humanity’s last bastion: color your yero sheets in bubbly bombed-out blue, cheerful camo, or millennial pink.

 

Homemade shotgun

Bespoke shotguns often come with patented Totally Won’t Jam™ lock-and-spring mechanisms. These guns can also fire a wide selection of rounds from multi-pellet shots, inch-wide slug shots, and tequila shots. The best part is that it’s sustainable: you can make ammo from pretty much anything, including those rusting sardine cans or spare yero.

 

Carbon fiber dog armor

Who says Fido has to go down the fate of poor German Shepherd Sam in I Am Legend? Carbon-fiber claw enhancements and doggo body-armor ensure that your pooch stays fab and slayin’ while… slaying the undead or taking down the other city gang’s booby traps. Your Chihuahua doesn’t have to be Ca-huahua come the apocalypse.

 

Red Horse Extra Strong

Ang tamang antiseptic sa maselan na panahong ito, mga kababayan.

Red Horse also provides carbohydrates, not only quenching thirst but fulfilling your nutritional needs as well, safer than water and more filling than bread! This expertly-brewed pilsner boasts of roasted malty flavors and a full-bodied mouthfeel, all while serving as anesthetic, too. Pack a few duct tapes and you’re good to go! Applies well on most wounds, from broken skin to broken hearts and shattered promises of humanity’s survival. #notsponsored

 

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