Our predictions (and unrealistic wishes) for Infinity War 2

There’s a weird mix of emotions that roil inside you when you watch the ending of Infinity War happen before your eyes in all its morbid glory. Thanos snaps half of all life to dust. (Except, presumably, plants and animals? Because that’s the point right? So there’s more food for everybody?) Bucky disintegrates before a distraught Steve Rogers. Spider-Man turns into a friendly neighbourhood ashtray… god, it was horrible. I’ve been despondent for weeks.

I say “mix of emotions” because what I felt was both despair and confusion. Like, what? There’s a Venom movie coming up, why is Spidey gone? How does Drax get his vengeance? How is Tony Stark sans helmet still breathing in space? Assuming this is all setting the groundwork for the Marvel phases to come, we have very little to work with here.

I don’t know. I’m still working through my grief and at this point in time I give zero craps about Ant-Man and the Wasp. So here are a few predictions, explanations, unrealistic predictions, and maybe a few fanfiction pitches for what the SNAPTURE (it’s a great word, let’s give it more traction) wrought, and what it means for the MCU.

Valkyrie survives the explosion of the Asgardian Refugee Ship. Why? She just does. Tessa Thompson can’t die. She has to be on earth doing Janelle Monae stuff.

 

Black Panther’s coming back. Of course he is. You think the King of Wakanda is actually dead? Fake news. The franchise is a cash cow and Chadwick Boseman is too fine to stay dead. I mean, we just saw him come down from heaven to attend this year’s Met Gala.

 

Red Skull is still stuck at Vormir, for some reason? (What was he even doing there? Weirdest cameo ever.) Thanos already got the Soul Stone though so you’d think his contrived-plot-device curse would’ve conked out or the Infinity z-snap dusted his ass up as well, but I’d like to think he’s still there, because the thought of a Nazi cosmically stranded in a barren wasteland planet makes my heart warm.

 

Unless you count Nebula, the only Guardian left alive is Rabbit — I mean Rocket, a.k.a Groot’s dad. Dad!!! Ugh this movie is too much. What I’m personally betting on though is Rocket gets a weapon for himself at Nidavellir. Like the kind of big ass gun only unusually tall Peter Dinklage can forge. A fitting animal companion for Thor, even though Rocket himself isn’t large enough to ride.

 

Infinity War begins immediately with the Power Stone in Thanos’s possession, which means we don’t get to see the battle at Xandar, which most likely involved the Nova Corps. The development that most likely took place off-screen was the tragic backstory of Richard Rider a.k.a Nova, the energy-blasting centurion of Xandar. No official announcements, as far as we can tell, have been made about Nova, but numerous predictions have gone around, wishfully including in the lineup. Considering how much more powerful the MCU’s villains are getting — imagine, we’ve gone from Iron Monger to Ultron to a stabby goddess of death to a swole guy with literally infinite power — MCU’s roster of heroes are in dire need of some cosmic-level powerhouses.

 

Marvel does this weird thing with its post-credits previews where it drop hints so casually about future heroes that people tend to forget about them, at least until they actually appear in a trailer. One of those heroes is Howard the freaking Duck, whom the Russo brothers have confirmed is alive. Well. Thank god. Surely he has to be in Avengers 4, or at least Guardians 3 — I can’t imagine a climactic universe-saving battle without him.

 

Now that Thanos the Mad Titan is now Thanos the Retired Farmer chillin’ in the Banaue Rice Terraces, he’ll, I dunno, grow rice? Then he’ll be like, “Wow, Philippine rice is so good. And the mangoes here are unreal. What else is good here?” Then he’ll go to La Union and Boracay and maybe Manila and realize his economic strategy of wiping out half of all life is DUMB, and understand that initiating systemic change on a grassroots level is what will actually bring about meaningful social change and efficient resource distribution. That can’t be done with an Infinity Gauntlet, so he’ll just give the stones back to the cosmos, and bam. That’s the end of all the Marvel phases. Bye guys, thanks for coming.

 

 

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