Five types of people you meet at an internet cafe

Art by Ina Jacobe

If you were born before the early 2000s, chances are you’ve also burned thousands of pesos renting out a computer in your friendly neighborhood internet cafe. I mean, who wouldn’t? It’s the place to be. Our barkadas head there to check if their crush has dropped a fresh testimonial in their Facebook accounts. Burning CD’s is a favorite pastime for many music enthusiasts. There may also be random screaming courtesy of deceitful optical illusion sites like

With cellular data at our disposal, the business of internet cafes is starting to slow down. But there are still personalities who keep the spirit alive. Here are five people you meet at internet cafes.

The Jhepoy Dizon

On a regular day, the internet cafe is filled with the Jhepoy Dizon. They’re gamers who take DOTA more seriously than their academics. This is probably the reason why they’re not in class at 10:45 a.m. The Jhepoy Dizons also come in groups; because they can’t sacrifice teaming up with a random player and losing their game. They can be quite noisy with their trash talking despite the headphones, so it’s best to stay away from their group if possible.

The college crammer

Internet cafes do not only serve the Jhepoy Dizons. It’s also the saving grace of college crammers who forgot to print their final paper the night before. They often look harried and terrified, probably because of the impending doom they’re about to face if the printer acts out and causes further delay. College crammers are easy to befriend. All you have to do is return the USB they almost always forget in the CPU.

The freelancer friend

There’s always that one person who the neighborhood internet cafe bantay already befriended. They’re the better, quieter suki versus the gamers and stressed students. The freelancer friend occupies the same spot five days a week to keep her rakets in check. Often dressed in a polo (and maybe a bonus blazer), they take advantage of the faster-than-average internet speed to take international Skype calls with clients. This is a friend worth keeping; even the Jhepoy Dizons — at least some of them — would also think so.

The FB fuccboi

Facebook fuccbois are creatures of the night. They look down on the Jhepoy Dizons because they think they’re sooo much better than them with their 200-peso shades and polo (collars popped up, no less). Try walking past their monitors and you’ll see about five different chat windows open. Occasional webcam selfies will be taken so it’s best to stay incognito when doing so.

The mad momma

There will be times when the natural order of the internet cafe will be interrupted by a mad momma. Don’t blame them; blame their kids. The mad mommas only pop in to drag their children by the ear for staying out at ungodly hours. Who knew getting into DOTA could be so dangerous?


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