One ridiculous gesture deserves another.
Xian S. Gaza’s name made rounds on social media today for an extravagant gesture: asking actress Erich Gonzales out on a coffee date via — of all things — billboard.
“Will you… drink coffee with me?” it says on the billboard, as an illustrated version of the young CEO (and alleged scammer) with disturbingly long forearms and two right hands mimics a proposal by opening a box to reveal a weirdly large coffee bean. Uhm. Okay.
Here are a few givens: It’s pretty creepy, yeah, that a businessman would dish out a ton of cash for what’s basically an expensive promposal. It’s hella gross that this guy would publicly proclaim that “after 29 flights to numerous locations,” he decides that a woman he has only met once should be the love of his life. It’s hella insidious that in another picture in which he’s holding his son, he says that Erich Gonzales is who his heart truly desires, almost like he’s using his kid as leverage. And if it isn’t obvious enough, it’s manipulative of him to put Erich on the spot like that by flexing his financial powers, as if that automatically guarantees a positive response. It ain’t sweet, it ain’t chivalrous, it ain’t a reason to feel kilig.
It’s at this point though where we’d like to address Erich directly. Hey girl. I know there’s a lot of pressure on you right now to say yes to this dude, lest you be criticized as rude and unfair. You’re entirely entitled to say no. But maybe you’re not sure how to go about it. Maybe we can help you with that.
1. Use another billboard! Xian’s had a bunch of ham-fisted coffee-related puns so maybe you can reciprocate similarly. Like, “Kapal ng mocha mo ha” or “How ‘bout CappucciNO.”
2. Latte art. Let’s say you decide to say yes. Like maybe you think this guy deserves an afternoon. If at any point the date goes south, you can ask the barista at the counter to draw a foamy middle finger on your flat white.
3. Start a company to compete against Xian’s. Then make your own money. Then buy your own coffee.
4. Send him the link to M2M’s Don’t Say You Love Me. “You don’t even know me / If you really want me / Then give me some time.” Give her some time, Xian!!!
5. Or you can do this. Say that however grand and extravagant the gesture is, true love isn’t measured by the volume of our proclamations but by the depth of shared experience, or other things that don’t involve shelling out big bucks to take up ad space that could be utilized by more important things. That maybe a billboard would actually be pretty cool if y’all were getting married, but you ain’t, and that no matter how many Bobbi Brown products you purchase, there’s no price for someone’s affection or even their time of day. That maybe after 29 flights to wherever rich CEOs go, perhaps the best medicine for a broken heart isn’t a new obsession but the knowledge that you better be happy on your own before deciding that you can share your happiness with someone else. You can’t give what you don’t have, buddy.