The 12 New Rules of Christmas

The 12 New Rules of Christmas

In the great tradition of Dua Lipa — I mean, of Christmas — here are the 12 commandments for all you holiday hoes.

The end of the year is always a struggle to deal with. Things are going by fast, you have a million parties to go to, and even more gifts to purchase. Which is to say that dating during this season is even more of a nightmare; and even if you were dating someone on the regular (congrats, you’ve won), you’ve only probably seen them online, or worse, your dreams.

We feel you, of course, and to get your itchy self through this holiday season, we’ve compiled a set of new rules (Dua Lipa whomst’ve?) for all you naughty lovers out there. So if you’re being preventively cold, trying to hook yourself up, or getting over that really bland syota (slang for short-time, if you must be reminded), read up. May the Lorde be with you and your spirit, sis. Merry Christmas.


Don’t: Pick up the phone

The gospel of Dua is all knowing, so when she says that he’s only calling ‘cause he’s drunk and alone, you follow. Besides, really? Right in front of your buko salad? Nope.


Don’t: Let him in

Whether or not you’re literally letting him in the door, or you know, your soul, think twice. Has he been naughty or nice? Remember: good girls go to heaven, bad girls go to… you know the rest.


Don’t: Be his friend

Everybody knows that friendship ruins everything. I mean, do you really wanna take it to the next level?


Do: Hide that food baby

You know he’s probably going to see those family pics by the Christmas tree on his feed, so make sure to wear something flattering — this ain’t the Nativity scene. And work those angles, henny.


Don’t: Be bitter

Think about it: that energy will be better spent doing something else, like, y’know, snatching the new girl’s wig. Take a lesson from Grade 8 physics: energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transformed.


Do: Get ‘em a gift

Nothing says “I’m over you” or “I want you” (there is no in-between) than a gift with a personal, hand-written note. Whether or not you’re trying to get rid of him or trying to get in his pants will determine what kind of gift to get, so choose carefully.


Do: Make yourself over

It’s such a cheesy thing to do, but getting a new look is a tried and tested way to mark a new beginning. Just make sure you look fresh, not desperate. Seek professional help (read: a salon) if you must.


Don’t: Be naughty

From one hoe to the next: know your boundaries. You know what I’m talking about.


Do: Get your s*** together

Wake up, Pearl! Nothing’s more off-putting than someone who doesn’t know what the hell they’re doing with their lives. Besides, it’s almost the end of the year — have you accomplished any of last year’s resolutions?


Don’t: Be a ghost of Christmas past

If it’s over, it’s over. Don’t go dredging up old flames just for the sake of some body warmth, ‘cause you know it’s just gonna be a waste of time, energy, and money (that late-night Uber ride ain’t paying for itself, y’know). Unless you guys are soulmates, of course. Then go right ahead.


Do: Make yourself a drink

It’s Christmas, which is really just code for debauchery season, so grab a drink, make yourself a cocktail, and marvel at all that you’ve done this year. Congratulations, you’ve made it; now go and…


Do: Ho ho ho it up

I mean this in the most wholesome way: have fun this holiday season. You deserve it.

#friendship #love #self

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